Thursday, August 9, 2018

Jesus was a jerk

Jesus doesn’t love his enemies: 

He said to them, "Go into all the world and preach the good news to all creation. Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned [to hell].
Mark 16:15-16

Prior to this Jesus preaches about how you should love your enemy and you should pray for them; but in this verse however Jesus tells you to spite and condemn your enemy to hell. Which one is it Jesus? Even if you don’t ‘believe in’ god or haven’t even heard of this god you will be condemned to hell. Clearly this is proof that Jesus was in fact a jerk and also contradicting as well. 

Jesus being dishonest: 

Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.
Mark 11:24

How many times have we all prayed for something to come true and it didn’t? Well, Jesus says if you pray for it and you have faith in him he will make it happen. You’ve prayed for world peace. You’ve prayed for starving children to be fed and nothing happens. You have faith in God and Jesus and yet nothing ever happens when you pray. Maybe because Jesus lied about prayer and how it really does nothing!

Jesus thought the world was flat: 

Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor.
Matthew 4:8

Even at the highest mountain on earth which is Mount Everest, the furthest you will see is 250 miles. There were thriving countries around the world that Jesus could not possibly have seen. Jesus was not only a jerk but also proved how dishonest he really was. 

Jesus was racist: 

A Canaanite woman from that vicinity came to him, crying out, "Lord, Son of David, have mercy on me! My daughter is suffering terribly from demon-possession." Jesus did not answer a word. So his disciples came to him and urged him, "Send her away, for she keeps crying out after us." He answered, "I was sent only to the lost sheep of Israel." The woman came and knelt before him. "Lord, help me!" she said. He replied, "It is not right to take the children's bread and toss it to their dogs."
Matthew 15:22-26

Jesus called this Canaanite Woman a dog, what a racist jerk! Afterwards Jesus helps the woman but it still doesn’t take away from the fact that Jesus called this woman a dog. People will say that Jesus loves everyone; well he surely didn’t love this Canaanite Woman. 

Jesus stole… I mean ‘borrowed’ a horse: 

As they approached Jerusalem and came to Bethphage and Bethany at the Mount of Olives, Jesus sent two of his disciples, saying to them, "Go to the village ahead of you, and just as you enter it, you will find a colt tied there, which no one has ever ridden. Untie it and bring it here. If anyone asks you, 'Why are you doing this?' tell him, 'The Lord needs it and will send it back here shortly.' "
Mark 11:1-3

Jesus clearly doesn’t know the difference between ‘borrowing’ and ‘stealing’. Let me explain; ‘borrowing’ means that you’ve asked the owner for consent to use that so called item that you wish to use with intention to return it to the owner. Jesus however doesn’t ask the owner of the horse he sends his disciple to ‘steal’ a horse which is taking an item without consent from the owner. God can just create a horse right? Well, why doesn’t he? Also why hasn’t anyone said ‘stealing’ is wrong, unless you’re ‘borrowing’ for God; all sins are forgiven in that case. 

Jesus was very dramatic:  

"Woe to the world because of the things that cause people to sin! Such things must come, but woe to the man through whom they come! If your hand or your foot causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life maimed or crippled than to have two hands or two feet and be thrown into eternal fire. And if your eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into the fire of hell.
Matthew 18:7-9

Wait what?! Cut off the arm that causes you to sin? Your arm doesn’t cause you to sin that would be your brain. I’m not sure where Jesus is getting his information from because this one is just completely and utterly ridiculous on many levels. Jesus missed the very important message of rehabilitating and re-educating oneself to prevent the behaviors from further happening. Sorry Jesus but you’re just making things up again just like a jerk would. 

Jesus threw temper tantrums: 

On reaching Jerusalem, Jesus entered the temple area and began driving out those who were buying and selling there. He overturned the tables of the money changers and the benches of those selling doves, and would not allow anyone to carry merchandise through the temple courts.
Mark 11:15-16

No one liked Jesus concept of ‘borrowing’ and well Jesus got mad and overturned tables and cracked out the whip. Most Christians have a warm, loving image of Jesus. Jesus is the "Prince of Peace" and the "Lamb of God" in their eyes. Jesus is a perfect, sinless being. What part of this situation is Jesus any of the above? Jesus surely isn’t the ‘Prince of Peace’ overturning tables and acting like a childish brat. What person of peace vandalizes property? 

Jesus killed a fig tree: 

The next day as they were leaving Bethany, Jesus was hungry. Seeing in the distance a fig tree in leaf, he went to find out if it had any fruit. When he reached it, he found nothing but leaves, because it was not the season for figs. Then he said to the tree, "May no one ever eat fruit from you again." And his disciples heard him say it.
Mark 11:12-14

Jesus we know you weren’t you because you were hungry and too bad snickers weren’t around because that could’ve cured your hunger fit you just displayed.

 First and foremost why didn’t Jesus just make the tree sprout figs if he wanted figs? Since he was performing all these supernatural magic acts prior. Why didn’t Jesus do that in this situation? What did the fig tree do to Jesus? It’s not the tree fault that it isn’t the season for figs. Fig trees were harmed in the making of this story. Fig trees you better take warning, when Jesus comes looking for those figs you better sprout them magically or you’ll be cursed with death. What a jerk! 

 Jesus contradicts himself yet again: 

Whoever comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and even life itself, cannot be my disciple.
Luke 14:26

Uh, what?  But you said: 
"But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.

You said this Jesus!! Now you must hate your family and life itself? I’m completely and utterly lost here. Which one is it? Do I love my enemies or hate them? If this is the only way to be a disciple of yours then I’m not onboard with this because I love life and I love my family. 

What happened to honor thy mother and thy father? You can’t honor someone you hate! Good job contradicting yourself yet again Jesus. 

Jesus explains how to get eternal life: 

On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. "Teacher," he asked, "what must I do to inherit eternal life?" 
"What is written in the Law?" he replied. "How do you read it?" 

He answered: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind'; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'" 

"You have answered correctly," Jesus replied. "Do this and you will live."
Luke 10:25-28

Jesus you need to lay off the wine because you’re all over the place. Remember saying this? 
Whoever comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and even life itself, cannot be my disciple.

Do you hate your enemies or do you love them? Maybe it’s a love hate type of relationship. You have to love them and hate them at the same time. I’m completely and utterly confused as to why I should hate anyone or fake loving someone for eternal reward. Damn you Jesus. 

But wait it gets worse! 

A certain ruler asked him, "Good teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?" 
"Why do you call me good?" Jesus answered. "No one is good—except God alone. You know the commandments: 'Do not commit adultery, do not murder, do not steal, do not give false testimony, honor your father and mother.'" 

"All these I have kept since I was a boy," he said. 

When Jesus heard this, he said to him, "You still lack one thing. Sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."
Luke 18:18-22

What the fuck Jesus! None of this makes any sense now. 

Well, you got the part that you’re not good correct. Good people don’t overturn tables and crack out whips. (Except for erotic pleasure and that’s totally different.) Jesus you killed a fig tree. You stole a horse and you told people that they need to hate their mother and father to follow you. 

The rules for getting into heaven are overly complicated and just downright contradictory. Then there’s an additional rule Jesus forgot. Get ready for it!

Jesus said to them, "I tell you the truth, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you. Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day. For my flesh is real food and my blood is real drink. Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood remains in me, and I in him. Just as the living Father sent me and I live because of the Father, so the one who feeds on me will live because of me. This is the bread that came down from heaven. Your forefathers ate manna and died, but he who feeds on this bread will live forever."
John 6:53-58

Sorry Jesus but this is incredibly disgusting. You told all those other people some incredibly contradicting rules for eternal life and now you must become a cannibal and eat your flesh and drink your blood? Jesus you are so good at telling stories you should write a book, oh wait. Never mind. 

Jesus contradictions continue:  

He called a little child and had him stand among them. And [Jesus] said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven."
Matthew 18:2-3

(Face palm) Jesus you told all those other people something totally different. You’ve displayed that getting into heaven is near impossible because the rules just keep changing; now you’re telling a child he needs act more like little children? How does one become more like little children? Adults need to act like little children too? My guess is somewhere along the series of ramblings you’ve decided to just wing it because no thought or logic went into this one. 

Wait what! No there can’t be more?!

"I tell you the truth, no one can see the kingdom of God unless he is born again." 
"How can a man be born when he is old?" Nicodemus asked. "Surely he cannot enter a second time into his mother's womb to be born!" 

Jesus answered, "I tell you the truth, no one can enter the kingdom of God unless he is born of water and the Spirit. Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit gives birth to spirit. You should not be surprised at my saying, 'You must be born again.' The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit."
John 3:3-8

Jesus I’m going to ask you to put down the wine and re-read the things you’ve told people about getting eternal life in heaven because your rules are so contradicting and nonsensical that I’m at a loss for words. Now you have to be born again? Regress all the way to infancy and become wind and water in the spirit? What?!! 

Jesus gets it wrong again: 

"Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them. I tell you the truth, until heaven and earth disappear, not the smallest letter, not the least stroke of a pen, will by any means disappear from the Law until everything is accomplished. Anyone who breaks one of the least of these commandments and teaches others to do the same will be called least in the kingdom of heaven, but whoever practices and teaches these commands will be called great in the kingdom of heaven. For I tell you that unless your righteousness surpasses that of the Pharisees and the teachers of the law, you will certainly not enter the kingdom of heaven.
Matthew 5:17-20

Let me get this straight Jesus. The only way to get into heaven is to have a love hate relationship with your enemies and neighbors. You must hate your life, sell everything you own and give to the poor; become born again in the spirit and regress to infancy. None of that matters now? I have to kill people? I thought that murder was against the commandment? Stealing is too but you told someone to steal a horse, no wait ‘borrow’ the horse is more correct. 

So far all I’ve learned about getting into heaven is nothing. The rules all make no sense and yet you keep rambling on and on to each person. You clearly don’t want anyone in heaven because your consistency is completely off and this is sounding like a scam if you ask me.  

Secondly if one were to follow the bible literally. The following people would have to die: 

Anyone who works on the Sabbath Day, and yes six days of work is required. (Every person who works in retail or restaurants will be killed.) 
Stubborn and rebellious children must be put to death. (This is a lot of teenagers that need to be killed.) 
Anyone that is LBGT and anyone who commits adultery, yeah you’re getting put to death. (This is a lot of people that need to die.) 
Anyone who sleeps with his neighbor’s wife must be put to death. (Not sure how often this happens but to whomever committed this act shall be put to death too.) 

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