Re: 'Godly Wife' - Proverbs 31 wife (Satire)

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I always wanted to be a Proverbs 31 woman.

I decided to see exactly what a Proverbs 31 woman is and quite frankly I can’t imagine anyone wanting to be this type of woman. *Note this article is pure satire* If you’re easily offended, well you’ve been warned.*

A Virtuous Woman serves God with all of her heart, mind, and soul. She seeks His will for her life and follows His ways. (Proverbs 31: 26, Proverbs 31: 29 – 31, Matthew 22: 37, John 14: 15, Psalm 119: 15

Faith – basically you’re going to follow ‘God’ blindly and become more ‘child-like’ in the decisions you make?

A Virtuous Woman respects her husband. She does him good all the days of her life. She is trustworthy and a helpmeet. (Proverbs 31: 11- 12, Proverbs 31: 23, Proverbs 31: 28, 1 Peter 3, Ephesians 5, Genesis2: 18)

Marriage – women submit to your husbands because he is the one in control of the marriage.

A Virtuous Woman teaches her children the ways of her Father in heaven. She nurtures her children with the love of Christ, disciplines them with care and wisdom, and trains them in the way they should go. (Proverbs 31: 28, Proverbs 31: 26, Proverbs 22: 6, Deuteronomy 6, Luke 18: 16)

Mothering – instead of teaching your children to be independent thinkers, no let’s indoctrinate them and brainwash them early. You got to have new recruitments for the cult – I mean church.

A Virtuous Woman cares for her body. She prepares healthy food for her family. (Proverbs 31: 14 – 15, Proverbs 31: 17, 1 Corinthians 6: 19, Genesis 1: 29, Daniel 1, Leviticus 11)

Health – so women who aren’t god fearing don’t give a flying fuck about their bodies?

A Virtuous Woman serves her husband, her family, her friends, and her neighbors with a gentle and loving spirit. She is charitable. (Proverbs 31: 12, Proverbs 31: 15, Proverbs 31: 20, 1 Corinthians 13: 13)

Service – in so many words she’s basically a slave?

A Virtuous Woman spends money wisely. She is careful to purchase quality items which her family needs. (Proverbs 31: 14, Proverbs 31: 16, Proverbs 31: 18, 1 Timothy 6: 10, Ephesians 5: 23, Deuteronomy 14: 22, Numbers 18: 26)

Finances – everyone should be careful with their finances not just ‘god fearing women’.

A Virtuous Woman works willingly with her hands. She sings praises to God and does not grumble while completing her tasks. (Proverbs 31: 13, Proverbs 31: 16, Proverbs 31: 24, Proverbs 31: 31, Philippians 2: 14)

Industry – yes, cook my dinner; wash my clothes; clean the house! And don’t you dare complain because that’s not what a ‘god fearing woman’ should do.

A Virtuous Woman is a homemaker. She creates an inviting atmosphere of warmth and love for her family and guests. She uses hospitality to minister to those around her. (Proverbs 31: 15, Proverbs 31: 20 – 22, Proverbs 31: 27, Titus 2: 5, 1 Peter 4: 9, Hebrews 13: 2)

Homemaking – yes because that’s all that women are good for right? Staying at home, raising the kids and being a good housewife.

A Virtuous Woman uses her time wisely. She works diligently to complete her daily tasks. She does not spend time dwelling on those things that do not please the Lord. (Proverbs 31: 13, Proverbs 31: 19, Proverbs 31: 27, Ecclesiastes 3, Proverbs 16: 9, Philippians 4:8 )

Time – she better not think about reading or doing activities that she enjoys because ‘God’ hates that shit. You need to be submissive to your husband, feed the children, clean the house and be a good housewife. ‘God’ hates fun. Do you want ‘God’ unpleased with you?

A Virtuous Woman is a woman of worth and beauty. She has the inner beauty that only comes from Christ. She uses her creativity and sense of style to create beauty in her life and the lives of her loved ones. (Proverbs 31: 10Proverbs 31: 21 – 22, Proverbs 31: 24 -25, Isaiah 61: 10, 1 Timothy 2: 9, 1 Peter 3: 1 – 6)

Beauty – don’t dress like a ‘whore’ don’t act like one either; be submissive to your husband though because ‘God’ likes that shit.

The only problem is that I don’t really have any idea what that means.

So how the fuck do you want to be a Proverbs 31 woman with no clue as to what it means to be one?

Does being a proverbs 31 woman mean being one of those super hospitable wives and super committed moms?  How does that work for me – being neither a wife or a mother, (let alone hospitable and committed)?

Okay, get yourself a husband then pop out some kids. The next step is crucial, you’ve got to submit to your husband at all times and also make sure your kids are brainwashed as well. You can’t have fun or enjoy the activities you once did because ‘God’ don’t like that shit. You’ve got to be committed to all of the above like super committed every single day! I repeat every single fucking day!

Does it mean being super involved at church? I work at a Church! Score!

Well isn’t that just fucking depressing – I mean wonderful! But don’t forget that you can’t teach men in church or have power over men because ‘God’ don’t like that shit.

Does it mean walking through the characteristics of the gal in the passage like a check list?  Here are the things I’ve gotta do today if I want to be a woman who fears the Lord!

Yes! I’ve got a whole list of chores for you to complete; and while you’re at it make me a sandwich. You better not complain because that’s not what a ‘god fearing woman’ would do!

The sneaky thing about Proverbs 31 is that it doesn’t tell you what to do to become a woman who fears the Lord.  It provides a description of what flows out of a woman who already fears the Lord.

Nope, I’ve listed them all and yes you’ve got to be a housewife; submissive to your husband; serve your community; not dress in a whorish fashion and also complete all your tasks daily. You can’t have fun – that’s the most important part of it. ‘God’ hates fun do you want ‘God’ to hate you? You know who likes fun? Satan, Satan likes fun! Are you a Satan worshipper? You can’t be a ‘god fearing woman’ worshipping Satan!

Below you’ll find four characteristics of a ‘woman who fears the Lord’ that I ripped off from a sermon out of the archives at Desiring God.

‘Ripped off’, that sounds like Satan talk if you ask me!

These things aren’t things to add to your to-do list. They’re an opportunity to test your heart.  If we have a right ‘fear’ or understanding of God, then these four characteristics will overflow in our hearts:

Nope, it’s a to-do list and those chores are not going to do themselves; and that sandwich isn’t going to make itself!

A woman who fears the Lord isn’t anxious about what’s going to happen in her life.

Why would a ‘god fearing woman’ be anxious about anything? Her whole entire life is planned out for her by ‘God’ and her husband basically rules over here. The only thing she has to worry about is making that sandwich and doing her wifely duties of submission and being a baby factory. Don’t forget the house chores.

First, a woman who fears the Lord is not anxious about the future…“Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come.”

There’s no time for laughing when there’s chores that needs to be completed. Also, did you forget that ‘God’ hates fun? You better wipe that grin off your face or else ‘God’ will put you in your fucking place.

Our anxiety reveals what we think about God.

The future is unknown but putting your faith into something that’s also unknown makes no fucking sense.

Do we honestly think He’s a soveriegn and good Father?  Do we honestly believe He cares about the mundane details of our lives and is working everything out for our good?

Nope! The only thing ‘God’ is good at is the following:

Violent

Short-tempered

A very jealous ‘God’

A very controlling ‘God’

Very manipulative

Tends to side more towards evil

Very arrogant

‘God’ certainly cares if you have premarital sex; practice witchcraft; work on the Sabbath day; disobey your parents; part of the LGBT community. Yeah let’s forget all those.

If so, it will affect our anxiety about how our kids are going to do in school this Fall or our fears about being single this time next year, or our obsession with how we’re going to pay our bills next month, or worry about how we’re going to do in that meeting at work tomorrow.

Somethings you just can’t put into ‘God’s’ hands a hope for the best. Helping your kids study and stay on top of their homework is one way to help them do well, or get them a tutor if they need the extra assistance. ‘God’ doesn’t provide money to pay your bills and being single isn’t something you should have anxiety over.

A woman who fears the Lord speaks wisdom and kindness.

You don’t need ‘God’ to speak wisdom and kindness.

Second, the woman who fears the Lord has practical wisdom. Verse 26, “She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.”

Unless you’re teaching men of course, you can throw all that shit away. ‘God’ is not for women having authority over men or teaching men. He wants you to be submissive and stay quiet.

I love this because I’m a big fan of women redeeming passive communication. This verse tells us that if we’re going to be good stewards of our words we have to know and love God.  A right view of Him will effect the way we choose to spend the gift of language He has given us.

You don’t need to believe in ‘God’ to stand behind the words you speak, that’s just stupid. Secondly, I’m not entirely sure why you think that women have a voice because according to the bible you don’t, and should remain submissive at all times. Do you not know your bible?

A woman who fears the Lord is strong.

Yeah, strong in the delusional department and strong in the blind leading the blind department that’s about it!

Third, the woman who fears the Lord is strong. Verse 25, “Strength and dignity are her clothing.” Verse 17, “She girds her loins with strength and makes her arms strong.”

Fear is the opposite of strength. It’s like saying I’m strong because I fear cats.

Think for a second about how you define ‘strength’.  Here’s what Piper goes on to say:

Strength has a lot of definitions, but being fearful and submissive certainly isn’t one of them. No one gives a fuck what Piper has to say.

Proverbs 23:17 says, “Let not your heart envy sinners, but continue in the fear of the Lord all the day.” The woman who continues in the fear of the Lord will have power to resist all the allurements to envy, to desire what she shouldn’t have.

So what you’re saying is that if you desire to buy a new car that you shouldn’t desire it? I’m completely lost with that one. Also, do you fear ‘God’ do you love him? I’m not sure how you can fear someone and love them at the same time. You can’t have fear and love because that’s just utter bullshit.

True strength looks like contentment.

Yes, but fear is not strength!

Do you want to know if your fear of the Lord overflows into strength?  Do you envy others?

I don’t envy anyone and I don’t have fear for a ‘God’ that I don’t believe in.

Strength means you’re not fearful of anyone or anything. Fear means that you are the opposite of strong.

Except ‘God’ you say women should be fearful of him which means that you do in fact fear someone which is a huge contradiction here.

A woman who fears the Lord is for other people, not against them.

Unless those people are LGBT, ‘whores’ and practice witchcraft; ‘God’ hates that shit.

Fourth, a woman who fears the Lord will live not for herself alone but for others…Verses 11, 12, “The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not harm all the days of her life.”

Women are baby factories, servants and can’t want shit in life. I heard you loud and clear.

Our view of God will play out in our interaction with others.  If we trust that God is for us, it frees us up to be for other people.  We can look out for their interests because we know God is looking out for ours.

So basically ‘God’ is lazy is what I’m getting from this?

All four of these characteristics overflow from a right understanding and relationship with God.

So you have to have a close relationship with ‘God’ to help other people?

You can’t just get out of your chair and go do these four things to earn the ‘proverbs 31’ merit badge.

So being a servant and submissive isn’t enough? ‘God’ can never make up his mind about anything. He’s almost as bad a Jesus Christ – oh never mind.

If you want to be free of anxiety, if you want to speak kindness and wisdom, if you want to be strong and be for other people, the solution is gloriously complex: fear the Lord.

There’s no strength in fear! There’s no strength in fear! There’s no strength in fear!!! Secondly, you can be kind and not believe in ‘God’. You can speak wisdom and not believe in ‘God’. You can be strong and not believe in ‘God’. It’s like all the credit goes to ‘God’ who is sitting on his lazy ass doing nothing. Can we give some credit to Satan for giving us knowledge?

My hope is that, like me you’ll see this list as a reminder of just how far you have to go in your sanctification.

Nope, it’s like putting the car in reverse and flooring the gas pedal.

Let this list remind you of the opportunity you have to grow in your ‘fear’ of the Lord.  Let that opportunity excited you.  There’s more of Him to know.  There’s more of Him to trust.

There’s nothing ‘exciting’ about ‘fearing’ something that doesn’t exist! How do you ‘trust’ someone when you’re fearful of that person?

As we grow in fearing Him we will be transformed – not to the image of some cool Proverbs woman.  We will be transformed into the very image of His Son.  Neat.

No one wants to ‘transform’ into a servant and certainly no one wants to ‘transform’ into Jesus he’s a jerk. There’s nothing ‘neat’ about anything stated in this article.