BIG GAME SUNDAY: A Simile

Dan P

Dan tries a crack at displaying his poetic and literary skills as he shares his "passion" for the NFL title game tomorrow.

The Super Bowl is like having sex with a random woman after a long drought, standards be damned!  Sure it’s been awhile and sometimes a good “Smurfing” is in order and it doesn't matter if my team is in it.  I'm excited about the Super Bowl (hookup).  And everything up until the kickoff is perfect: the candles (buffalo wings) are roasting away, the wine (whiskey or beer) is on ice; it’s going to be a good night.  

The commercials (foreplay) are fun and we all have been checking our Square Cards for the 1^st Quarter (unhooking the bra) hoping to hit the jackpot, but that's when it goes wrong.  It's halftime and the game isn't close and I have to watch some old rockers like the Rolling Stones bellow "Start Me Up" (Why is Mick Jagger prancing around like a kindergartner?—Ed) for the millionth time because somehow Janet Jackson's boobbie popped out one time--one freaking time!--and now we can't get any hot babes on stage (What about Beyonce?—Ed).  

"You look like I need another drink."
(photo courtesy of Felipe M.)

The food and liquor is at critical mass and I realized I've overindulged (guess I’ll be joining Superman in hell) and now I'm in trouble as the couch looks snug enough for a serene slumber as the food coma hits.  

And like any random lay, it’s amazing how fast perspective changes.  Only 90 minutes ago she (the Super Bowl) was this amazing treat and something I had been waiting for, but now I just want her to go away (get this beat down over with).  Shame overtakes me now.  This stupid football game that I had been anticipating for a couple of weeks now, even though my favorite team was not a participant, is just more attention being given to the talking ESPN-heads so they can continue to spread their tall tales and myths about player/coach/team legacies and recycle the rhetoric they had been vomiting all week.  The food, the drinks, the double entendres, and the pandering, “expert” commentary makes me feel dirty all over.  

My prediction for the Super Bowl?  I'm going to feel soiled and blemished. Especially if that deer-antler, muncher (the now morphed half-man, half-deer, Ray Lewis—Ed) wins on Sunday....

SUPER BOWL PARTY SCENARIOS

Super Bowl Party!
(photo courtesy of Ed Mancia)

Donny R

Felipe M

Dan Bernstein’s wrote an advice column on watching the Super Bowl, where he essentially warns you to not attend any party whatsoever as people tend to ruin the experience of the NFL Championship Game.  Donny Rodriguez and Felipe M, on the other hand, warns readers to know beforehand what exactly to expect at these Super Bowl parties and what you can do to make best of the following situations.  

Scenario #1:  You know someone at the party you will be attending, usually a girl, will make a point to say, “I only watch the Super Bowl for the commercials.”  Your friend’s fiancée will reply, “I know!  Me too!”  And they will go on and on swapping stories about the commercials from past years and how they went online and already had a sneak peek at some of the more, marquee advertisements.  And as they discover that they both have so much in common in terms of their knowledge of Super Bowl commercials, their chatter volume will grow louder and higher to almost unbearable shrieking levels and constant responses of “Oh my God, right?  Like, me too!” 

Best Possible Move: You and your buddy will both despondently glance at each other and take a swig of your brew of choice.  If you’re hoping that more people who want to talk football come and rescue you, you will be disappointed as women usually dominate these parties.  If anything, more women who have not watched a single game all season long will join in the Super Bowl commercial conversation, which ultimately leads to Halftime Show performances where about 5 minutes will be devoted to Beyonce and the rest of the night, they will be singing the praises of Brittney Spears and Madonna’s legendary performances at this event.  Hope this party has plenty of your favorite beer.  I feel sorry if you’re stuck drinking Light beers.

Let me guess?  They have nothing, but Lite Beer
at this party, huh?
(photo courtesy of Gabe Ponce)

Scenario #2: Guess what?  The group of people who have talked up a storm about the commercials and Halftime Shows are also waiting on the Puppy Bowl. If you arrived early because you did not want to miss the pregame narratives on how Ray Lewis benefitted from ‘deer antler' spray pills (oxymoron?) to grow into a beautiful mammal, you’re out of luck because these people want to watch a different kind of animal—puppies!  So guess what you’ll be watching instead of #52’s great fight from morphing into a woodland creature? 

Best Possible Move: Just watch the Puppy Bowl and continue to drink your light beer.  16 of those will get you drunk enough to loosen you up and somewhat enjoy the casual fans’ dominating presence.  Just don’t get too drunk that you actually forget to tell someone to flip it to the damn game.  Besides, can you really endure 1-2 hours of “deer antler” references?

Scenario #3: As you start watching some of these new commercials, in your drunken stupor, no less, you are probably mildly exacerbated and indignant.  You’re feeling that you are marching towards a belligerent state.  You can’t get there quick enough because, again, you’re drinking nothing, but light beers.  You’ll probably start thinking to yourself:

“these advertisers lack so much creativity.  They’re literally just parrots, echoing what we all say and think is funny or cool.  ‘Oh wow, here’s a commercial with someone getting tackled;  oooohhhh, here’s one where an animal is talking; here’s one where a former celebrity attempts to resuscitate his/her career; Nuh-huh, this one stars a black guy you’ve never seen in real life outside of Wicker Park.  Sort of like this guy’”:

Best Possible Move: Just remind yourself that if you wanted to help in producing these commercials, you would have majored in Business/Marketing/Advertising instead of earning your phony, Liberal Arts degree from Gudger College.  Just remind yourself to breathe and keep drinking your light beer.  After 1 hour of pregame ceremonies and a 6 minute rendition of the National Anthem, they will eventually begin the coin toss.  Look at the bright side: you’re only an hour away from a 50/50 chance of winning a prop bet. 

Hello, Donny?  Some of us are still living
that fantasy football season.
(photo courtesy of Felipe M.)

Scenario #4: You finally made it to your 12^th lite beer (a whole case?  Congratulations!) and you finally got a good buzz going.  Unfortunately, the game is a snooze-fest as both teams are playing ridiculously conservative and both quarterbacks are proving to be more inaccurate than an unclean AK-47.  Heck, even that girl who was irritating you with all her talk of commercials is starting to look kind of cute.  And she even seems sort of cool too.  So what if she doesn't care about the Super Bowl?  Your fantasy football season has been over for six weeks and you could care less which slot receiver caught the ball (Was it Anquan Crabtree or Jacoby Ginn Jr.?).  You have no rooting interest and you have no shot at winning any squares.  Maybe, just maybe, you too don’t care about the game, just like the girl whose only interest is the glitzy commercials.  

Best Possible Move: Hello?  There’s only one move to pull here.  During—err, scratch that—before halftime, you might want to start calling her out about her “unnatural obsession” with these ads.  While you’re at it, give her the business about the Puppy Bowl and the upcoming Beyonce, lip-synching extravaganza that should start in about—hmmm, let’s see, they’re in the 2 minute warning—1 hour or so.  Why pick on her like an elementary schoolchild?  Nonsense!  This is the 21^st century, guy!  If there’s a better way to flirt with someone of the opposite sex, I would love to hear all about it…

Scenario #5: I guess at this point, we should probably mention something about the game.  You’re probably nearing your 20^th lite beer of the evening, but with all the food available to you, the beer is having no effect on you.  It’s like your drinking water at this point.  That means you should be coherent enough to pay attention to the game.  You’ll see the following events occur in this game:

• Ray Rice has just as many receiving yards as rushing yards.
• Randy Moss proves he’s the “best Wide Receiver in the game” by making two catches on three targets for 24 yards.
• The 4^th quarter comes down to the final drive, but you are apathetic at this juncture of the game.

Why?  Well, the Super Bowl, unless your hometown team is participating, is just a time to get together with those you hold dear and watch football for the last time until September.  It’s like Christmas or Thanksgiving, but without the awkwardness that only certain family members bring: because you can actually be more selective in terms of whom you want to see at the Super Bowl party.  You’re not forced to tolerate anyone at these festivities.  Ok, you do have to tolerate the game and the players who constantly point to the sky as if divine intervention stepped in and helped them win the football game.  Just one more drive is holding you back from putting this God-forsaken season in the books and getting out of this party so you can drive home and go to sleep because you have to get ready for work on Monday.

Best Possible Move: Again, remember to breathe, and as the game dwindles down, start game-planning how you’re going to plan your goodbyes.  Try to time your exit to sync up with that one girl who likes the commercials.  You probably have a good shot at getting her phone number.  Who knows, you might go to a sports bar next Friday where both of you are sipping your drinks rather bunglingly for an hour as both of you stare at the establishment’s flat screen.  And in between conversations, both of you will watch the commercials and you will think to yourself, “I’m really glad I went to that Super Bowl party.”

Check out Donny Rodriguez's Chicago Bulls Mid-Season Review.

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