'Coming out' to your parents

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The reason I say 'coming out' is because someday I hope the phrase 'coming out' no longer has to be used. People who are in the LGBT Community should be allowed to be themselves and not have to make such declarations. We are not diseased animals.

Consider the timing. If you’re going to spill the beans at Thanksgiving, do it after dinner, not before or while you’re passing the cranberry sauce. Someone’s gone to a lot of trouble to cook this meal, so first enjoy the turkey, and then raise the topic at the appropriate time.

The problem with this is the timing will never be perfect. You could plan out how you’re going to do the whole ‘coming out’ process but the results will never be the way you anticipate because well ‘shit’ happens and that’s life. I will use my example of ‘coming out’. I was in high school and I got caught looking at gay porn on the computer. My dad asked me why I was looking at these photos and well, I had to ‘come out’ to my parents. It wasn’t ‘planned’ and it wasn’t ‘great timing’ but it forced me to face my fears and stand up strong as a person.

Determine whether this is the right time. Do you still live under your parents’ roof or rely on them to cover expenses such as your education, clothes, car payments, gas money or insurance? If you think they’ll be reasonable in their reaction to the news, then go for it, but if you think they might try to use this in some way as leverage against you (for example, restricting who you can see or even perhaps cutting you off financially), then waiting until you’re no longer dependent on your parents might be a better time to come out to them.

Again, there is never a ‘right time’ to ‘come out’ to your parents. I do agree though, that if you know your parents are going to cut you off financially that you should wait until you are fully independent to do so. I however, encourage everyone that fears ‘coming out’ to face your fears head on. It’s a very liberating feeling to ‘come out’ and shouldn’t be feared because you can’t change who you are and shouldn’t if you aren’t harming others or detrimental to society.

Be in a good place in your life. Be comfortable and confident with who you are. I came out to my parents after I had learned that my boyfriend of 18 months was cheating on me with another friend of mine. I was heartbroken and tired of living a lie, so I made the mistake of choosing that moment to come clean. Do not spill your guts when they are already tied up in knots. Showing your parents how miserable you feel at the moment is only going to reinforce their imagined fears that you’ll end up living a sad and lonely life.

I’m going to use my ‘coming out’ a lot but it’s a little bit of proof that not everyone will have the same ‘circumstances’. I certainly wasn’t ready to ‘come out’ and I knew in my guts that if I lied to my parents about looking at ‘porn’ that was primarily men on men that the results wouldn’t be good either way. It forced me to face my fears even though it took my parents a while to ‘accept it’ but they eventually came around. The whole stigma of ‘coming out’ isn’t easy and it won’t be. I understand that it’s good to come out when you’re confident in yourself and are in a ‘good place’ but we all won’t have those circumstances and being able to face reality whether good or bad is proof how of strong of a person you are.

It’s your parent’s job to worry about your wellbeing. They will be worried about you whether you are gay or straight. It’s the rest of the world out there that makes it hard to be yourself if they don’t ‘understand’ it. No one chooses who they are attracted to and it shouldn’t be treated as such.

Be realistic and anticipate what their reactions will be. Parents can sometimes surprise you and may not have any issues at all. They may even embrace you for being honest with them. But if they are socially conservative and proud members of Pat Robertson’s 700 Club, don’t expect them to trade in their membership card for a PFLAG T-shirt anytime soon. Be prepared with what you’re going to say and how you’re going to respond to their reactions.

I’m going to answer this as if I am a parent and my child was ‘coming out’ to me. It’s hard ‘coming out’ to your parents and I understand the fear of rejection and the lack of acceptance, but as I stated earlier I’m going to answer this as a parent. I would feel like a complete and utter failure as a parent if I didn’t accept my child for who they are, if they aren’t harming other people or being a detriment to society. I personally would embrace this with my child and continue loving my child. It saddens me that there are parents who feel that they have to disown their child because they ‘come out’ as gay, lesbian or bisexual. You don’t choose your sexual orientation and you shouldn’t treat someone as if they did.

Arm yourself with answers ahead of time. There isn’t a concern that your parents could voice that hasn’t already been discussed in dozens of articles and blogs online. You’ll find some great suggestions on how to phrase your answers that will make you sound like Einstein. You know your parents better than almost anyone else, and if you anticipate their concerns, you can be ready with some answers that will be hard for them to dispute.

It’s already hard as it is to ‘come out’ to your parent, let alone sit there and be drilled about why you’re attracted to the same-sex. The answer is no one knows why they’re attracted to the same-sex and it certainly shouldn’t be treated as such. You don’t see ‘straight’ kids ‘coming out’ to their parent as ‘straight’ and their parents asking them a million questions about their heterosexuality, the same should apply here. I understand questions will rise but not in the moment of your child ‘coming out’. It should be their moment and what they need the most is their parents to be supportive and loving.

Be ready for the “hellfire and damnation” argument. If your parents are nonreligious, skip to #7. But if they’re anything like my parents were, read on. You probably aren’t going to win this argument in the first conversation, but you can avoid losing it. Educate yourself with some basic answers to what you know will be their main arguments. They may not comprehend what you’re saying or even agree with you if they do, but at least they’ll know you have given this a lot of thought, and you’ll know how to respond to them in later conversations.

I’m going to show you how to win this argument.

'Homosexual marriages will lead to other unnatural unions.'

Object sexuality does exist and there are tons of people married to landmarks, inanimate objects and including themselves. Polygamy does exist as well. Please don't tell me that your marriage is will be ruined when there are couples who get divorced right after getting married and having the whole marriage annulled like it never happened. It's one thing to want to protect your ideals on marriage and it's another to infringe on the rights of others who have no direct correlation to your life. Gay people deserve the right to be married like everyone else. Marriage is a human right. Bestiality will never be accepted because it is not two consenting adults and to say that this is your way of justifying your hate of others who aren't harming people really shows your ignorance on the subject.

(Side note: I wouldn’t call your parent ignorant no matter mad they make you on the whole topic. But in the general sense of arguing for arguing, this is a strong argument to use.)

‘I think that gay marriage should be between a man and a woman.’

There are many people who feel the same way and that’s fine. You are entitled to your opinion but sometimes your opinion is best kept to yourself. Two men or two women whom love each other shouldn’t have to live their life the way you want them. Love cannot be dictated. Your marriage ideals should be kept to yourself and not forced onto others.

(Side note: Your parents may not fully understand the whole being gay thing but the last thing you want to do is insult them about it. This is generally used as some form of basis in case you do have to defend yourself.)

‘Marriage equality is a threat to the nation’s survival long run.’

What you are saying is; allowing gay marriage means that everyone will turn gay and no one will be having children? Because we all know if you’re looking at the bible for morale you want to revert to the dark ages when man is robot and woman is baby factory. Marriage is a basic human right and I can’t believe that even after the ruling to allow same-sex marriage in all fifty states people somehow think they have to marry someone of the same sex. What are you secretly gay? You can’t convert someone’s sexuality unless you’ve been holding feelings towards the same sex inside.

(Side note: This will be a common argument religious parents will use against you. I wouldn’t call your parent gay themselves for not being accepting, but the rest of the argument is pretty straight forward.)

'Homosexuality does not offer the stability of a traditional family.'

Do you have any proof of this? I've seen many same-sex couples with children and the children are happy and grow up like every other child. Just because it takes man and a woman can create a child doesn't mean they have what it takes to raise that child. Science even proves that a child can be raised by a single parent or even by a same-sex couple and grow up just like every other child. Denying a child the chance to have a loving and supportive family because it doesn't follow within your guidelines of what a family should be is just plain cruel.

'Homosexuals have a higher incidence of infidelity.'

And heterosexual couples are just the poster children of what a real marriage should be right? Wrong! They are heterosexual couples who are in open marriages there are heterosexual couples that cheat as well. Get off your high horse and use some common sense! You put heterosexuality on a silver platter like it goes with no flaws when in reality there many flaws, especially those who use their bible to try and make themselves look better than they are.

'Homosexuals have a shortened lifespan.'

Do you have any proof of to back such a radical claim? No I don't think you do and you can't use AIDS/HIV because it isn't something only gay people get. Heterosexual couples can spread it too you know, this is why they say always wear protection. Your bible is the reason why so many gay people have short lifespan because it tells you to stone people to death for being gay!! It's your bible that leads to people of the LGBT community to taking their own lives because some people rather be dead than to be who they are. It's sad that as a society if you are in the LBGT community you are frowned upon for something you can't control. You can control being an asshole and this statement further proves that!

'Homosexuals have a much higher incidence of domestic violence.'

Again where is the proof? Your bible surely doesn't say you shouldn't beat your wife. In fact there are tons of religions that say that it is okay to beat your wife if she doesn't submit to your sexually or if she doesn't do what you tell her to. There are heterosexual couples who exhibit domestic violence and often display it in front of their children and it has a negative impact on them because they see this and think that it is perfectly okay to do when they are older and in a relationship with someone. Domestic violence is not okay in anyway shape or form, but to blame this on same-sex couples and say they are most likely to exhibit this is just down right cruel. You really do have your information completely obscured and just want to make your religion and bible look so much more better than it really is.

'Homosexuals have a much higher rate of molestation than heterosexuals.'

This statement really does make me angry because it is completely and utterly untrue. Just because someone is gay doesn't mean that they want to molest children! I've seen so many heterosexuals exhibit molestation and even in the bible men were allowed to take young virgin girls as their wives and they had to submit to them sexually. Please do tell me how only gay people molest children and heterosexuals don't do any of the such. Yes you really are delusional aren't you?

'Homosexuality is not condoned in the bible.'

You can't eat shellfish. You can't mix fabrics. You can't trim your beard. You must honor Sabbath Day. You can't commit adultery. You can't go to a fortune teller. You can't eat pork. Shall I say more? We all know that you can't get your morale from the bible it isn't a good source of that. Otherwise we'd stoning people to death and reverting back to the dark ages. Jesus never preached against gay marriage!

'Homosexuals want to redefine marriage, changing the uniqueness of heterosexual marriage.'

If you believe marriage should be between one man and one woman that's fine! No one is trying to take your opinion away from you, however when your opinion infringes on the rights of other people then it becomes a problem. Why do you care so much that two men or two women are getting married? You don't have to get married to someone of the same-sex unless you are hoarding feelings for someone of the same-sex.

'Homosexual marriages will lead to other unnatural unions.'

Object sexuality does exist and there are tons of people married to landmarks, inanimate objects and including themselves. Polygamy does exist as well. Please don't tell me that your marriage is will be ruined when there are couples who get divorced right after getting married and having the whole marriage annulled like it never happened. It's one thing to want to protect your ideals on marriage and it's another to infringe on the rights of others who have no direct correlation to your life. Gay people deserve the right to be married like everyone else. Marriage is a human right. Bestiality will never be accepted because it is not two consenting adults and to say that this is your way of justifying your hate of others who aren't harming people really shows your ignorance on the subject.

Stay calm, even if your parents aren’t. You might have someone like Sally Field for a mother — her reaction to her son being gay was, “So the f*#% what?!” — but if your parents are more like mine, be ready for them to get angry, melodramatic and downright cruel. Don’t join in. Keep your cool and be the rational adult in this encounter.

You have to stand your ground even if it is against your parents. You didn’t choose to be gay and it shouldn’t be treated as such. The reason I listed the arguments above was to be used as some sort of educational value to display how ridiculous these arguments can be when trying to dictate someone’s life. It’s one thing if you are going around murdering people, raping people or physically harming others. We cannot live in a society where people are going around harming others, you will be deemed a detriment and should be locked away or given the help you need (mental health is a real issue that shouldn’t be ignored.)

Secondly, it’s human nature to get defensive when you feel you are being attacked; even if it is your parents. Let’s say the conversation gets heated. The best thing you can do is walk away and talk when emotions are running high, you will say something you’ll regret and vice versa. Yes the bible will be used and yes they will try to manipulate you to be something you’re not, all you can do is stand your ground and use the arguments listed in the previous question in the most non-insulting way possible.

Their approval or permission is not required. Don’t expect too much from your parents right away. It’s taken them a lifetime to believe what they believe, and that’s not going to change in one conversation, and maybe not even in 100 conversations, so try not to measure the success or failure of your first coming out conversation by their initial response. If it’s not what you had hoped for, don’t despair and don’t give up. Give them time, but do not give them the impression that you’re asking for their approval or permission. This isn’t about them. It’s about you and who you truly are. Show them that you are the same person they’ve always loved, just more honest now.

I’ll keep this one short. The best thing you can do is ‘come out’ and if it goes well, progress from there. If it doesn’t, keep being yourself and eventually they will come around. Some people have a hard time understanding the whole ‘gay’ thing because it’s been such a taboo topic when they were growing up.

Know when and how to make your exit. When I came out to my parents, there was a lot of anger and drama, and I was hurt that they weren’t welcoming this news with open arms. So I took the old “frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn” approach and stormed out. Thought it felt pretty good, it wasn’t very effective. You might consider a less dramatic exit line. It’s important to be sensitive to what they may be feeling and put yourself in their shoes. Their concerns may be all over the map, from, “Will we ever have grandchildren?” to, “Please, God, don’t let my son get AIDS.” Whatever happens, try to leave the door open, even if you or your parents feel like shutting it.

(Again)

Do you have any proof of to back such a radical claim? No I don't think you do and you can't use AIDS/HIV because it isn't something only gay people get. Heterosexual couples can spread it too you know, this is why they say always wear protection. Your bible is the reason why so many gay people have short lifespan because it tells you to stone people to death for being gay!! It's your bible that leads to people of the LGBT community to taking their own lives because some people rather be dead than to be who they are. It's sad that as a society if you are in the LBGT community you are frowned upon for something you can't control. You can control being an asshole and this statement further proves that!