Proof that Jesus (most likely didn't) exists!

Jesus Never Existed

“How do you know that Jesus even existed?” is a surprisingly common argument. Since the release of Bill Maher’s documentary, Religulous, it’s become popular to compare Jesus to other deities, such as the Egyptian Horus. After connecting a few exaggerated similarities, Maher’s claims have led resurgence in the doubts of Jesus’ existence at all.

Which Jesus are we referring to? The Middle Eastern Jesus that was five-foot one and was a carpenter? Or are we talking about the six-foot tall supermodel Jesus that’s blond haired with blue eyes? There are so many depictions of Jesus that one has to wonder which one is the real one? I mean some of us know he probably didn’t exist but for the sake of arguments, let’s say he was just some simple guy who went around helping people. I can honestly see that being truer than the man who went around performing magic tricks and being a complete jerk, which by the way he was according to scripture.

I highly doubt Jesus existed but if he did, there’s a big chunk of his life missing from the scripture. I’m guessing nothing interesting happened in that time period and whoever wrote down what they saw had the best imagination in the world. Almost as if Jesus was a Sci-fi character than an actual person?

Jesus Never Existed (Response)

Fortunately, scholars overwhelmingly agree that Jesus of Nazareth did exist. These aren’t just Christian scholars, either. Professor Bart Ehrman of the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, many of whose books debate conservative Christian thinking, has recently published a book addressing and debunking the claims of Jesus’ non-existence. In addition, many ancient sources outside of the Bible, such as the Roman historian Tacitus and the Jewish historian Josephus, mention Jesus in ways that align with the biblical story.

One can question his existence. I mean there really isn’t any proof of the supernatural acts that he performed and well everyone keeps pointing towards this six-foot tall supermodel with blue eyes. The Jesus of the bible clearly states that he was five-foot one and was Middle Eastern, he was born in Bethlehem for crying out loud! Secondly, Jesus didn’t die and comeback to life and he won’t be returning anytime soon because his Honda Accord apparently keeps breaking down. (Clearly Jesus needs to pick better cars.)

You Can’t Trust the Gospels

An area of research that is debated to this day is the authorship of the gospels. Many Christian academics believe that the gospels were not written as eyewitness accounts, but later after hearing oral traditions. If even Christian scholars believe that the disciples weren’t the actual authors of biblical texts, then how can Christians possibly believe in their accuracy?

Honestly you can’t trust gospels. You hear spread the good word of god and are immediately introduced to hatred and bigotry. Some of you Christians really don’t know what the word ‘love’ is. ‘Love and tolerance’ doesn’t mean telling two adults that their love is ‘evil’ and they should be stoned to death. ‘Love and tolerance’ doesn’t mean having 42 children maul to death by bears because you’re butt hurt about being teased for being bald. ‘Love and tolerance’ doesn’t mean telling women you have no right over men and shouldn’t speak at all. I mean come on what’s so great about being hateful? I know it gets you props from the big guy upstairs but which one are you giving credit to? After all there are at least 1400 religions out there and some have more than 100 gods!! Zeus seems like the most logical god right now.

You Can’t Trust the Gospels (Response)

There are two equally intelligent responses here. While there is some scholarly material available such as Richard Bauckham’s Jesus and the Eyewitnesses that defends the gospels were eyewitness accounts, the precise date of publication ultimately doesn’t matter as much as skeptics claim. In his Word on Fire series, Father Robert Barron compares the Gospels to modern history to add a bit of context. Suppose, he says, you were to read a newly written book about the JFK assassination. Even though the book itself may not have been written by someone who witnesses every moment, we don’t automatically assume that the information has been corrupted and has lost its reliability. The same applies to the Gospels.

What’s intelligent about stoning people to death? What’s intelligent about forcing a rape victim to marry their rapist? What’s intelligent about slavery? I mean I could go on and on. Did anyone really see Jesus float away to heaven? Did anyone witness Jacob climb a ladder into heaven? I mean some of these claims with eyewitness are bizarre and can’t really be cited as actual fact! Two people could easily say I saw the flying spaghetti monster last night, but without actual footage or any kind of concrete evidence. It can be said to be appeal by popularity? I mean just because so many people say that its right with no proof doesn’t mean that it’s right!

The Crucifixion

If Jesus was really God’s son, why would God want him to die? Christopher Hitchens, a prominent member of the New Atheist movement, writes “Once again we have a father demonstrating love by subjecting a son to death by torture, but this time the father is not trying to impress god. He is god, and he is trying to impress humans.” If the crucifixion were simply God showing His strength, then we really might be in trouble...

Actually all of this is god’s fault and Jesus was the scapegoat to help redeem god’s fuck up. Well, to be fair it all started with Adam and Eve (thanks you two for not knowing right from wrong and eating that fruit!) but Lucifer was the fall guy here. Introducing knowledge to the world was apparently a sin. God knew the whole scenario and just said let it roll. Otherwise he wouldn’t have sent his only son to save the sins of the world? I laugh at that still because it’s like sending your daughter to take the fall for all your mistakes. How in the world does that make any sense at all! God wants to punish the world. Jesus wants to punish the world. What’s with all the punishment and torture? No wonder some of us can’t take this shit serious! It’s all stupid man!

The Crucifixion (Response)

Fortunately, this is not the case. Brian Zahnd, pastor of Word of Life Church in St. Joseph, Missiouri, notes that “the crucifixion is not what God inflicts upon Christ in order to forgive. The crucifixion is what God endures in Christ as he forgives.” Jesus is our model for God’s character, and as Christians we worship a God who forgives even those who crucify Him, “for they know not what they do!” This is not God demonstrating His power over us, but His love and power over death.

The Crucifixion of Jesus didn’t exist! He didn’t float away to heaven and spite revenge on everyone for when he returns 2 billion people will be murdered. Blood bath and rage! These are surely acts of a kind and forgiving god. Love is the hatred of gay people and the deaths of babies. Love is burning your daughter to death as a sacrifice to god. What evidence do we have of Jesus being crucified? What evidence do we have that Jesus will return driving that crappy Honda Accord? I mean how many times does Jesus have to die before he becomes relevant? He still hasn’t returned and I still haven’t seen alien-like creatures flying from the sky and destroying everything. It’s that damn Honda Accord! Damn it Jesus you had one job!

The Miracles are Impossible

People often doubt the miracles of Jesus, ranging from virgin birth to his resurrection and everything in between. No rational-minded person, skeptics claim, could possibly believe in a man who fed thousands of people with a few loaves of bread and fishes or who raised a man called Lazarus from the dead.

Yes because the Bible made them all sound like complete horseshit! We all know you can’t get pregnant by yourself and still be a virgin. You can’t just create bread and fish out of thin air and Jesus didn’t die and float away to heaven. It’s like saying Santa Claus  is real and we all know that’s not true at all!

The Miracles are Impossible (Response)

That’s what’s so special about miracles: they don’t make sense! Frankly, miracles wouldn’t be miracles if they were physically possible. Whenever Jesus performs a miracle in the gospels, the crowds or disciples are in awe precisely because of how unbelievable these actions were.

Your response is miracles aren’t supposed to make sense? What! Are you high? This is like me going around telling people that I’ve created tens of thousands of fish from one single fish and fed an entire stadium of people. You’ll ask (and rightly so to ask) if I have proof of this and I’ll just respond it doesn’t have to make sense or not but it happened! Do you see how stupid that sounds? Radical claims require radical proof. There is no proof of Jesus rising from the dead and coming back down to earth to go back to heaven again in his brand new Honda Accord. Miracles are nothing more than superstition and it’s pretty self-explanatory too.

Christians are Hateful and Bigoted

What about the crusades? Or the Spanish Inquisition? Religion has always driven people to commit horrible acts of violence that would have never occurred if people weren’t so easily brainwashed, right? This is another common argument the seeks to discredit God and religion, but interestingly it does so by attacking human sin, the very problem Christianity seeks to remedy.

This is very true to an extent. Yes, the bible does have very awful things written in them but not every Christian is like the radical ones. You do have good ones who just want to live their lives peacefully and not bother others. However, it still doesn’t change the fact that the holy text promotes these awful things and if the New Testament was supposed to replace the Old one then how come the old one is still there?  God keeps creating this fucked up world only to want to destroy it? What sense does that make? How about just revealing yourself and trying to repair what you’ve broken instead of just putting primer paint over old wounds that haven’t healed.

However, there are Christians that do paint this hateful picture of themselves. You can't enforce your religion onto other people and you shouldn't try to either. God isn't this loving being either, he's the complete opposite because he has had good people do awful things. If your only reason for not going out and murdering people is because of god than you really do need to re-evaluate yourself and get help immediately!  

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