Pathological responds: what not to say to a gay man

Such a waste

I know this phrase oh so well. Oh you’re gay? Well that’s a waste! A waste of what are you trying to refer to here? Are you calling someone a waste of space, a waste of a person? I don’t really see how it is possibly a waste if you aren’t attracted to the opposite sex? I understand you might find yourself attracted to someone who is possibly gay but that doesn’t mean they are a waste of a person.

Are you a power bottom?

This is a great way to start a conversation with someone you just met. Are you a power bottom is like asking are you a slut? I don’t really do the slut shaming myself, if you like having sex and you are doing it safely. Please go right ahead and enjoy yourself, but I don’t see how this question is appropriate at any level except if you’re hooking up with someone. Sorry ladies, this question is off-limits.

You like football? But I thought you were gay?

I like cars and I’m gay. Just because someone is attracted to the same sex doesn’t mean that they have to abide by all the stereotypes associated with it. There are women who hate shopping and men that love shopping. I used to know a few gay men who loved watching basketball and football.

Wish you guys would hurry up and get married. I really want to do a gay wedding.

(WARNING sarcasm alert) Shut the fuck up! My life isn’t for you to live out your fantasies. Why don’t you hurry up and get married so I can be the centerfold of attention at your wedding.

There no such thing as a ‘gay wedding’ or ‘straight wedding’ in my eyes. A wedding is a wedding with two people who love each other and are celebrating their love with those who care about them.

Isn’t it painful?

Is what painful? This stupid question that you are asking, yes it is very painful.

Do I look good in this outfit?

No, you look terrible! I’m not really sure about this one being offensive. You are just asking someone for an honest opinion. It only becomes offensive if you are expecting a gay man to just be fashion inclined, then in that aspect I will tell you to politely go fuck yourself. (Not literally) but I know nothing about fashion. I get mostly all of my fashion tips from a straight man and I’M THE GAY ONE!

I hate dogs.

And dogs hate you as well! What the fuck does this even mean? Why is this even offensive to gay men? My guess is you are referring to men being dogs? I would say not all of them are. I’m still confused by this one.

Who proposes to whom?

We sort of play rock paper scissor on that one. Whoever loses has to get on one knee and propose.

What do you mean you only want a beer?

I want a fucking beer that’s why!

What’s barebacking?

It’s what you do when you want to have a child.

How old where you when you chose to be a gay?

How old ‘were’ you when you chose to be straight?

But what do you mean you don’t like ABBA?

I don’t like ABBA because they’re music doesn’t appeal to me. All gay men don’t just listen to pop music, I for one love alternative and heavy metal.

Oh you built that table yourself?

No, I have basement elves that build all my furniture for me.

Are you sure you want a double bed?

Yes, I don’t want to share a bed with you!

Who’s the man and who’s the woman?

I understand this question. Most are referring to who makes the difficult decisions in the relationship. Who is the person that’s more ‘in charge’ in the relationship or who is more responsible? Every relationship there is someone that’s more responsible than the other, someone who better with finances and someone who is good with taking charge and handling tough situations.

Are you brothers?

Yes, this is why we hold hands. Sleep in the same bed together and kiss each other on the lips. Brotherly love here!

Have you never slept with a girl?

Yes I have. Did I enjoy it? Well not really and for that reason I am a gay male.

No? Want to try with me?

Uh no! I know some straight women have this fantasy of converting gay men ‘straight’ but you cannot convert someone’s sexual orientation.

But you seem so masculine…

And you seem incredibly naïve. Not all gay men act the same, just like not all straight men are the same.

You’re really into computer / video games?

Yes I am, now let me live my life playing video games and all that other nerdy stuff that apparently I shouldn’t be into because I’m gay.

What do you mean you don’t like shopping?

Yes I hate shopping. It’s annoying as fuck! Oh wait sorry yes I do! I’m gay after all and that’s like my pastime hobby, getting those sales at the mall!

You should try it with a girl and see what you’re missing.

I’ve had sex with women and I know I’m not missing anything. This is why I’m gay! I had sex with a man and enjoyed it more.

So you have AIDS?

So you have stupid? I mean just because I’m gay doesn’t mean that I have AIDS. There are straight people who have AIDS in this world as well. It’s a sad reality of not using proper protection when having sex.

Don’t you want to settle down with a nice girl and have children?

(Face palm) If I were a straight man and wanted children then yes that would be my plan in life. However, since I didn’t choose my sexual orientation this won’t my scenario. I will have my husband and if we wanted kids we would adopt or go through surrogacy.

Do you like Madonna?

I like a few of her songs but I wouldn’t call myself a fan of hers. She’s okay I guess.

Who will look after you when you’re old?

If I do adopt kids or go through surrogate, that kid I hope would look after me. I mean are you saying this because the only way someone can look after me is by being straight? That really isn’t a nice thing to say.

I’m so glad I met you. I really need a new outfit.

Well get ready to be disappointed because this gay isn’t fashion forwarded at all. I get my fashion tips from a straight man.

How good is your gaydar?

It’s actually pretty fucked up. I have this thing where I treat people like people and not based on their sexual orientation.

Do you like dressing as a woman?

Why yes I do! I also like dressing up like a penguin and a clown.

Oh, I knew you were gay when you put on that Lady Gaga song.

Well you said you wanted to listen to pop music and well since I don’t know much about it. This was the best I could do. Otherwise we would be listening to The Beatles or Deftones. Just saying!