We critique pop song lyrics

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Before reading: This blog was written simply as satire, if you are easily offended please click off. You've been warned! 

Nicki Minaj 'Stupid Hoe' 

I get it cracking like a bad back

(You clearly said this line to be clever but it’s incredibly stupid, and there were three of you who wrote this song! You’re telling me that this is the best you all could come up with?)

Bitch talkin she the queen when she looking like a lab rat

(Some lab rats are actually smarter than people. Maybe you should’ve hired a lab rat to write you better lyrics.)

I’m Angelina, you Jennifer come on bitch you see where Brad at?

(Jennifer clearly wins here because having Brad isn’t anything to brag about, just saying. Secondly, what’s with this ‘I got a man’ and you don’t – thus I’m better than you? I hate that line of thinking it’s condescending as fuck!)

Ice my wrist-es then I piss on bitches

(You put on expensive jewelry just to piss on people, uh what? Also, Nicki is showing that she likes giving golden showers. I know a few guys and hell a few lesbians that would be totally down with this.)

You could suck my diznick, if you take these jizzes

(Another way of telling someone to suck your dick until you ejaculate. Secondly, how is that an insult if you are throwing out an invitation for someone to pleasure you orally? There are some gay men who would be down with doing this.)

You don’t like them disses, give my ass some kisses

(Again, there are some lesbians and hetero men that would be down with doing this.)

Yeah they know what this is, give bitches the business

(Well, people are going to like you and not like you that’s life. Also, you treat people who dislike you crudely because? I mean if you look at it from the ‘haters’ perspective, it seems justifiable if you’re treating people crudely simply for not liking you. The world doesn’t revolve around you.)

Cause I pull up and I’m stuntin but I ain't a stuntman

(Well, I know a few stuntmen that are insulted by this. Also, if you’re acting like this everywhere you go. Your ‘haters’ have a good point. I can’t tell you how to spend your money but showboating like this isn’t helping your case at all.)

Yes I’m rockin Jordans but I ain't a jumpman

(I know a few people that buy Jordans because of the name ‘Jordan’ on them.)

Bitches play the back cuz they know I’m the frontman

(Why because you’ve got Jordans and you showboat?)

Put me on a dollar cause I’m who they trust in

(Who has trust in you? At this point, I wouldn’t trust you with a rock.)

Ayo SB, what the fuck’s good?

(The real question is when the fuck is this song over? It’s just an endless charade of stupidity.)

We ship platinum, them bitches is shippin wood

(Once again we get to another stupid line in this song, and yet I still can’t get over the fact that it took three people to write this shit.)

Them nappy headed hoes, but my kitchen good

(What the fuck does that even mean?)

I wish I wish I wish I wish a bitch would

(You wish someone would what, tell you this song is stupid? ‘God’ someone really does need to tell her!)

You a stupid hoe, you a you a stupid hoe

You a stupid hoe, you a you a stupid hoe

You a stupid hoe, you a you a stupid hoe

You a stupid hoe, yeah you a you a stupid hoe

You a stupid hoe, you a you a stupid hoe

You a stupid hoe, you a you a stupid hoe

You a stupid hoe, you a you a stupid hoe

You a stupid hoe, yeah you a you a stupid hoe

(I understand that you’re trying to tell your haters that they don’t ‘faze’ you but this is the wrong way of going about doing it; calling someone a stupid hoe while spewing stupid shit cliché.)

Look Bubbles, go back to ya habitat

(Are you telling Bubbles to go back to his habitat because he would die if he did. He’s lost all his survival instincts. Oh, you’re calling your haters ‘Bubbles’ which still isn’t an insult considering the lavish life this monkey lived with Michael Jackson and still lives today.)

MJ gone and I ain't havin that

(You’re not having any of what exactly? We certainly don’t want any of the stupid shit you’re tossing around.)

How you gonna be the stunt double to the nigga monkey??

(I know when you read the lyrics to yourself it sounded good. But it’s not sounding that that way at all.)

Top of that I’m in the Phantom lookin hella chonky

(I feel bad for that Phantom.)

Ice my wrist-es then I piss on bitches

You could suck my diznick, if you take these jizzes

You don’t like them disses, give my ass some kisses

Yeah they know what this is, give bitches the business

(Skip)

'Cause I pull up in the Porsche but it ain't de Rossi

(De Rossi is an Italian surname and Porsche is a German Automaker. Wouldn’t it have made more sense to use Ferrari or Lamborghini?)

Pretty bitches only could get in my posse

(Only real reason to be in that posse is because you have money and showboat it like no tomorrow. You want my used Phantom for free, hell yeah!)

Yes my name is Roman, last name is Zolanski

(I know Roman is your alter ego. He’s evil and mean, so when it comes to you being crude to your ‘hater’s do you blame Roman? So basically Roman is the fall guy, tough break for Roman I guess. But he’s rolling around in Phantoms and Porsches so fuck him.)

But no relation to Roman Polanski

(I could’ve sworn he was your grandfather. There is some family resemblance there.)

Hey, yo Baby Bop, fuck you and your EP

(Did Baby Bop release an EP? If so good for her, I mean why not? You have a music career based on dumb shit like this song. Baby Bop song can’t be any worse than this.)

Who’s gassing this ho? BP?

(Somehow BP isn’t offended by this line?)

Hmm.. thinks 1, 2, 3, do the Nicki Minaj blink

(Why on earth would anyone want to do that stupid shit?)

'Cause these hoes so busted, hoes is so crusty

(And you’re the paradigm of what your haters should be?)

These bitches is my sons and I don't want custody

Hoes so busted, hoes is so crusty these bitches is my sons and I don't want custody3

(Was this line supposed to be clever? What constitutes a busted ‘ho’?)

You a stupid hoe, you a you a stupid hoe

You a stupid hoe, you a you a stupid hoe

You a stupid hoe, you a you a stupid hoe

You a stupid hoe, yeah you a you a stupid hoe

You a stupid hoe, you a you a stupid hoe

You a stupid hoe, you a you a stupid hoe

You a stupid hoe, you a you a stupid hoe

You a stupid hoe, yeah you a you a stupid hoe

(Stupid repetitive pop song doesn’t make me want to get up and dance. I’ve lost precious brain cells just reading these lyrics.)

If you cute, then your crew can roll

(But you said you only want cute bitches. Here you said if only ‘one person’ is cute the whole crew can roll? Make up your damn mind woman!)

If you sexy, eat my cucka roll

(I know a lot of lesbians and hetero men who would love to do that.)

Put ya cape on, you a super hoe

(So there are crusty hoes, busted hoes, stupid hoes and now we’ve got super hoes? I didn’t know there was this many variations of hoes.)

Twenty twelve, I’m at the super bowl

(The same year I decided to say fuck the halftime show.)

Stupid hoes is my enemy, stupid hoes is so wack

(A stupid hoe is a person or ‘hater’ that doesn’t like you, which makes them all these awful things. However, you’ve shown no reason to like you other than you have money for days, a big ass and very minimal abilities to write lyrics.)  

Stupid ho shoulda befriended me then she coulda prolly came back

(That’s not a genuine friendship if all the person is doing is using you for what you’ve got.)

Stupid hoes is my enemy, stupid hoes is so wack

(This line is whack!)

Stupid ho shoulda befriended me then she could've probably came back

(Repetitive garbage continues.)

You a stupid ho, you a stupid ho, you a stupid ho

(If this was supposed to be a diss track, Nicki you failed epically.)

And I ain't hit that note but fuck a stupid ho, fuck you stupid hoe

I said fuck a stupid ho and fuck a stupid hoe

I said fuck a stupid ho and fuck a stupid hoe

I said fuck a stupid ho and fuck a stupid hoe

(This is the most articulate way to express one’s feelings.)

I am the female Weezy

(That’s nothing to brag about, at all.)

Overall: “You a stupid song, you a – you a – you a stupid song”.