What's On

Friday, December 2, 2022

We respond to another Cheesy Pop Song


Beverly Hills at the corner of Rodeo Drive and Via Rodeo in 2012

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Ay, yeah
(When a pop song starts off with this line. It usually means one of two things; it’s either going to be a cheesy lame pop song or shit is about to go down. Literally off a cliff into a fucking volcano.)
Katy Perry, Migos, ay
(It’s just a friendly reminder that it’s Katy Perry singing; not Janet Jackson or Brittney Spears. It’s Katy motherfucking Perry.)
'Cause I'm all that you want, boy
(Pretty bold line here. Also, how do you know you’re all anyone wants or needs?)
All that you can have, boy
(So we’re going from ‘all that I want’ to ‘all that I can have’ in a matter of seconds. I question the ‘all I can have’ as it’s both selfish and a very false statement. Plenty of fish in the sea.)
Got me spread like a buffet
(We can go in so many directions with that line.)
Bon a, bon appétit, baby
(One can only assume that you want me to give you oral like I’m at a buffet. Also, the buffet example is terrible. It’s like calling yourself a prostitute. ‘I spread my legs open for service.’)
Appetite for seduction
(Katy Perry only seduces when she has the ‘appetite’ for it.)
Fresh out the oven
Melt in your mouth kind of lovin'
(Are you cooking me a meal? Or are you referring to your vagina like a meal fresh out the oven? I’m so lost!)
Bon a, bon appétit, baby
Looks like you've been starving
(Again, starving for ‘sex’ or starving for ‘food’. The way you’re using these innuendos. It’s safe to say it’s about ‘sex’?)
You've got those hungry eyes
You could use some sugar
(‘Hungry’ and ‘horny’ are two different feelings. I know this song is most likely about ‘sex’ because it’s clearly not about ‘food’. No one on the face of the earth has ever said, I’ve got a sweet tooth for some dick.)
'Cause your levels ain't right
(How do you know what my levels are? Also, what’s a right level and what’s a wrong level? What levels are we talking about here?)
I'm a five-star Michelin
(Five-star in ‘cooking’ or ‘sex’? I’m guessing you can cook a mean pot pie?)
A Kobe flown in
(As in ‘Kobe Beef’ flown in? Or your vagina just flying around like imported beef? Or your vagina has moves like Kobe Bryant? Utterly confusing line utterly confusing and stupid!)
You want what I'm cooking, boy
(Are you talking about the preparation of actual food? Or the freshening of your vagina? I’ll pass on both.)
Let me take you
(Where, to funky town?? Also, I wouldn’t follow you to the nearest stop sign!)
Under candle light
(Do you mean surrounded by candle light? I don’t want to be ‘under’ any candle light.)
We can wine and dine
A table for two
(Again, this song keeps taking so many twists and turns here. Are we talking about sitting down having an actual mean? Or are you talking about sitting on top of the table and I eat… I mean eat my meal that you so happened to prepare for me since you are a five-star chef.)
And it's okay
If you take your time
(I had no plans of rushing through my meal sweetie.)
Eat with your hands, fine
(Depends on the foods we are eating. I’d prefer to use eating utensils regardless. Oh, are you talking about your ‘vagina’? I’m so lost!)
I'm on the menu
(Are you on the menu? Or is your vagina on the menu? I mean, what’s on the menu??)
'Cause I'm all that you want, boy
(No you’re not!)
All that you can have, boy
(I can do better!)
Got me spread like a buffet
(Does your vagina spread on my bread like butter?)
Bon appétit, baby
Appetite for seduction
Fresh out the oven
Melt in your mouth kind of lovin'
Bon appétit, baby
(Skip!)
So you want some more
(Nope, I didn’t even want any to begin with.)
Well I'm open 24
(And that’s the problem. Sometimes it’s okay to be closed for business.)
Wanna keep you satisfied
(What will satisfy me is the ending of this song. Can you make that happen?)
Customer's always right
(So if I say your vagina is godawful, does this mean that I’m correct?)
Hope you've got some room
For the world's best cherry pie
(Cherry pie as in cherry pie? Or vagina pie? I know this has to be a sexual innuendo.)
Gonna hit that sweet tooth, boy
(Something tells me that you’re going to hit more than just my ‘sweet tooth’.)
Let me take you
Under candle light
We can wine and dine
A table for two (for two)
And it's okay
If you take your time
Eat with your hands, fine
(Just say it. We’re going to have sex. Why oh why do people reference sex with food? When was the last time you heard someone say; ‘boy I’m so horny I could eat a ham sandwich?)
I'm on the menu
(A menu from where? The Dollar Store? Dollar General? 99 cent or less?)
'Cause I'm all that you want, boy
All that you can have, boy
Got me spread like a buffet
(You’re the kind of buffet that leaves you with the bubble guts.)
Bon a, bon appétit, baby (bon appétit)
Appetite for seduction
Fresh out the oven (fresh out the oven)
(Vaginas, baked fresh daily.)
Melt in your mouth kind of lovin' (yeah)
Bon a, bon appétit, baby
'Cause I'm all that you want, boy
All that you can have, boy
Got me spread like a buffet
Bon a, bon appétit, baby (bon appétit)
Appetite for seduction
(Skip)
Fresh out the oven
Melt in your mouth kind of lovin'
Bon a, bon appétit, baby (Quavo)
(Skip)
Sweet potato pie (sweet)
It'll change your mind (change)
(Is it really sweet potato pie? Or just you referring to your vagina, again??)
Got you running back for seconds (running)
(A smart person would run in the opposite direction and continue running.)
Every single night (hey)
(Every single night huh? Every fucking night! Get it? Fucking every night! Ha-ha!)
I'm the one they say can change your life (Takeoff)
(The real question here is it for the better or worse? I think it’s for the worse.)
No waterfall, she drippin' wet, you like my ice? (Blast)
(She’s dripping wet, but no waterfall; that must’ve been some feast she’s cooking.)
Said she want a Migo night, I ask her, "What's the price?" (Hold on)
(Someone says they want a ‘migo night’ which is a night filled with alcohol drugs and most likely sex. The first thing you ask is what’s the price? I’m even more confused now. Maybe this song is about Katy cooking up crack rocks and cocaine? It all makes sense now!!)
If she do right, told her get whatever you like (Offset)
(I’m guessing if she cooks the cocaine correctly, she’ll get whatever she wants??)
I grab her legs and now divide, aight
(It could be seen as an act of kindness to divide and share the vagina, I mean cocaine.)
Make her do a donut when she ride, aight
(HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!)
Looking at the eyes of a dime, make you blind
(I guess that means I’ll stick to looking eyes of a nickel. I value my eyesight, thank you very much!)
In her spine and I'm on some diamonds change the climate
(This line makes no sense, whatsoever!)
Sweet tooth (sweet), no tooth fairy (no)
(I’m glad you clarified that for me. I can certainly rest at night knowing the tooth fairy has nothing to do with this ridiculous song.)
Whipped cream (whip), no dairy (yeah)
(Katy Perry letting the world know that she’s lactose intolerant.)
She got her hot light on, screaming, "I'm ready" (hot)
(This must be ‘code’ for the cocaine is ready.)
But no horses, no carriage
(Fun fact: Katy Perry only rolls around in Honda Civics. Fuck them horses!)
'Cause I'm all that you want, boy (all that you want)
All that you can have, boy
Got me spread like a buffet
Bon a, bon appétit, baby (eat it up, eat it up, eat it up)
Appetite for seduction
Fresh out the oven
(The only thing fresh out of the oven is my desire for this song to end.)
Melt in your mouth kind of lovin'
Bon a, bon appétit, baby (bon appétit)
Under candle light
Bon appétit, baby
(More like get your dick ready, it’s time to have sex!)

Overall: A cheesy pop song that’s trying to hide sex in food references.



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